clos-ure: 1. The act of closing or the state of being closed; bringing to an end; a conclusion 2. A feeling of finality or resolution, especially after a traumatic experience
But I didn’t get closure…
These 5 words have loomed over my head like a dark cloud for years. Going through a breakup is tough. But going through a breakup when you don’t know why you’re breaking up is the worst. For a woman, hearing the words “It’s over” just isn’t enough. We want closure. It’s the missing piece that we feel that we need to move on. It has been said that going through a breakup, in many ways, is like grieving a death. So experiencing a breakup without closure can feel like being told that your loved one has died, but there is no body to bury and no autopsy to confirm how it happened.
When we feel disrespected, hurt, or abandoned, we want a resolution. We want that person to take accountability for their actions; to man up and apologize for destroying and breaking our heart. When the relationship ends, we want to understand why it happened, when it happened, and how it happened. But, the reality is the only thing that should matter is the fact that it happened. His decision to end the relationship should be all the closure we need. A man who truly loves you wouldn’t abandon you, so good riddance. Why are we so obsessed with these empty details that will do nothing to retract the pain that we are going through?
IF I shoot you in your arm, but apologize and give you a long list of reasons why I shot you, YOU ARE STIILL IN PAIN AND YOUR ARM STILL NEEDS TIME TO HEAL. My apology won’t magically stop the hurt that you are feeling or change the fact that I shot you in the arm. You are still injured, and my apology or justification cannot help you heal any faster. Just like “closure” will not erase the pain of a failed relationship.
I truly believe some of us have become addicted to the pain of the ‘no closure’. Closure means having to let go. Moving on. Forgetting what we could have been. Closure means coming to terms with the fact that, for whatever reason, the relationship is over. He ain’t coming back. You may never get an apology for what he did, or the chance to tell him off accordingly. You may never get a response to the heartfelt text you sent. You may never get a reason or justification for why he broke up with you. Closure means instead of holding on to the small glimmer of hope that he will come crawling back, or the expectation that you will get a logical explanation for why your relationship ended abruptly, you must grieve the relationship and move on. So by obsessing over a “need for closure” we are literally getting stuck in the past and delaying our healing process.
As I am growing in my walk, I now realize feeling like I never got closure was a tactic from Satan to keep me bound in depression, regret, and ungodly soul ties that I formed while in relationships that I had no business being in. It allowed me to rationalize harboring feelings of bitterness, resentment, and unforgiveness towards guys who hurt me. It allowed me to wallow in denial. And worst of all, it made an idol of my exes. Feeling like I never got closure was me saying, “I cannot move on until Bob apologizes or explains why he dumped me. So I will continue to hold on to this pain and rejection until he helps me come to terms with this breakup.” Why am I making the guy who broke my heart responsible for being my healer? See how crazy that sounds? Why are we giving our exes this much power in our lives?
The truth about closure is it doesn’t include the other person. You don’t need their approval, their apology, their validation or their explanation to move on. You don’t need to have one last convo, or an email listing reasons he broke up with you. Letting go and choosing to heal is a personal choice that YOU must make for YOU. Sis, it’s time to forgive and allow your relationship with Christ (and the knowledge that He has a special plan for your life) to be peace and closure you desire.
True closure is recognizing Romans 8:28 “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Even though it hurts now, that toxic relationship ended for your good. God was sparing you from future destruction that would have resulted from that relationship. Will you trust Him enough to let it go?
Revelation 22:13 “I am the Alpha and the Omega, the First and the Last, the Beginning and the End.” You know what I love about God? He already gave us the answer to the closure we seek. He is the Beginning and the End. As always, I pray that this meets you where you are, and that God will heal every shattered piece of your heart. Just know that God created you for a special purpose, and that purpose is all the closure you need. Forgive. Stay focused. Love yourself enough to let go.
One time for the nation,