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How I Went From Being A Side Chick To Getting A Ring

  Side Chick  definition:

1. A woman who overcompensates to gain affection from a man who uses her. The man sees no true value in her womanhood, and her tolerance of his behavior is a direct reflection of her low self esteem. She settles for less, while treating him like a king, and gives him unlimited passes to degrade, devalue, and disrespect her without the expectation of commitment.

Take your time and re-read the definition. Sadly, we are living in a time when most women in relationships perceive themselves as esteemed girlfriends, but have unknowingly become side chicks. I used to be one of them.

See it starts off innocent enough. He is throwing a little attention your way, sending you cute texts, and telling you how special you are and that he’s never met a girl like you. And the attention and affection are exciting! Especially since you look around and feel like everybody has a man except you. So you overlook the clear warning signs because you are tired of being single and are determined to make him the one. Even though you’re super busy, you start moving your schedule around for him. Next thing you know, you’re cooking, planning & paying for dates here and there, trying to meet his momma, tolerating his immature friends, and taking cute little USies’ that you can’t wait to post on Instagram and Facebook for all your haters to see that you finally got a man! But as you exert more effort, he exerts less…. and less…. and less until finally you’re doing all the work to keep up the relationship.

Raise your hand if this is has ever been you. *looks around and notices no hands going up* Just Me? Suuuuure.

See, I was in a committed monogamous relationship. I had the ‘girlfriend‘ title and everything to go along with it. But even though my label said ‘girlfriend‘, the truth is, I was the side chick. The mistress. The other woman. While I was celebrating the joy of finally getting me a man, I discovered he was already in a happy relationship….. with himself.

And while he was happily only thinking of himself, I was hustling and bustling to win him over. Cooking, cleaning, buying, and doing whatever I could do to win his affection. Trust me when I tell you there is nothing worse than playing side chick to a man who is already in love with himself. I was determined to make him break down and give me his heart, as it was too late for me to take back mine. My neediness and desire for validation depended on it. But that’s not how life works; side chicks never finish 1st.

What I learned:
Side chicks place value in basic things that EVERY MAN should be doing like, “girl he has his own place, a trash can in his kitchen, and name brand toothpaste! And he even filed his taxes this year!” Well, he’s a grown man sis. He shouldn’t get a cookie for doing things all grown men SHOULD BE DOING. Any guy that you allow to walk in your life needs to have more than the bare minimum, and I am not talking about clothing and shelter. He should be a leader, pursuer, protector, and respectful gentleman who cherishes and honors you. He should be a follower of Christ with a purpose for his life. And most of all, he should recognize that YOU ARE FAVOR! A man who is seriously interested in pursuing you will not have a problem putting you first.

You are more precious than rubies sis. Never stay with a man that makes you feel like you are in competition with his ego, his momma, his friends, another woman, or anything other than the Proverbs 31 woman you were meant to become.


 DIY, Fail Proof, Money Back Guarantee Way To Get A Ring:

1. Leave that fool alone. Seriously. I know it’s hard. But if only you could see yourself the way God see’s you….. You don’t have time to waste on a man who has not made the decision to put you first. Don’t get so caught up being the side chick, that you miss the opportunity to become a wife.

2. Stop chasing him. You are to be pursued. A man who is too lazy to plan a date, call you back, or keep a job doesn’t need a girlfriend- he needs a kick in the bum and a LinkedIn profile.

3. Stop making excuses for his shady behavior. He has shown you his true self- believe him. Your friends and family have probably even tried to warn you. If he is treating you like this now, it is not going to get better.

4. Evaluate your self-esteem. Life has shown me that some of the prettiest women really do have the lowest self esteem. Your makeup and hair may be on point, but when everything is stripped away, how do you feel about YOU? Real women who are confident in who they are in Christ wouldn’t tolerate this foolishness. Acknowledging and accepting that I suffered from low self-esteem was the most important part of me being able to change it.

5. Stop sleeping with him. Seriously. G-Ma always said, “the fastest way to bring closure to a relationship is to start with your legs.” Sorry about the directness Saints, my grandma is a thug. There are so many consequences for giving your heart, body, and mind to a man who is not committed to you.

6. Give your life to your “First Love” Jesus Christ and allow him to heal all the brokenness and insecurity you have had bottled up for years. He is a Healer. (This is actually the 1st, and most important step)

7. Make a celibacy vow until marriage, and buy yourself a Purity Ring as a reminder of your promise to yourself and God! See, I told you I would help you get the ring you’ve been waiting on!

You were designed to be somebodies wife. Side chicks are usually damaged, desperate, and hurt girls that will do anything not to be alone. They accept less because they don’t believe they deserve more. They always have a man around (even if it’s somebody else’s) because they need constant reassurance that they are beautiful, smart, deserving, and worthy of love. They never learned how to give themselves that validation, so they are trying to get it from an unqualified outside source. I pray every woman reading begins to see herself the way Christ sees her.

Now smile, forgive yourself for who you were, and start becoming who you were meant to be….

Proverbs 31:5  “She is more precious than rubies; nothing you desire can compare with her.”

One time for the nation,

~Britt

 

About Saved Single ME

Christian, cupcake lover, owl collector, Grad student, Carter's Aunt, part-time extrovert, pink Starburst on deck, secretly loves listening to Christmas music year-round, secretly fears robots #Huglife

22 Comments
  • Jessika Ramirez
    December 24, 2016

    I’m actually typing this while he’s lying down next to me….

    Maybe I’ll get to the point where I can walk away from him but I’m honestly happy right now and will walk away once I am unhappy and once I find a better man. Do I wish there was more between us? YES! But right now, he is who I want and he is who I love. One day I won’t have anything else to give him. One day I won’t want him or need him but right now I do! I don’t want to deny those feelings just because society thinks I don’t value myself. I do value myself but love is about being selfless.

    Do I deserve better? Yes!! But people don’t always get what they think they deserve. If you’re hungry and you say you deserve an expensive steak, you don’t turn down a really delicious sandwich if you’re truly hungry and in need of food. That’s how I feel about him. I know I deserve more but he fulfills me in ways that’s better than being alone. And don’t give me the “learn to be happy alone”speech. I’ve been there and done that! I spent a month in Bali, Indonesia finding myself, reading, meditating, and was celibate for a year and was very happy alone. But I’m human, it’s only so many lonely nights you can bare before you crack. My ex fiancé and I ended our engagement 5 years ago. Ive been single ever since and it hasn’t been easy. Especially when the world sees that your physically attractive and smart and nice and they expect someone like me to not have any problems dating…but I do!

    Will I have better than what he’s giving me? Yes, eventually!! But I will make the decision when I’m ready to take that step. Maybe I’m cynical. I’ve tried doing things the “right” way (waiting to have sex, only focusing on my self, being single and celibate, getting degrees, hobbies, building my career, meditating, going to church) none of this has brought me any closer to love. If anything, it’s done the opposite. Now men seem intimidated by me. While I’m traveling the world, collecting degrees, and moving fast up the corporate ladder…everyone else is falling in love, getting married, and starting families.

    Women who haven’t worked nearly as hard on themselves as I have are finding love. I was the woman who always wanted a family, even more than I wanted a career. Now I’m the woman who is the most successful out of my friends only because I’m alone and it’s the only thing I have in my life to invest all my time in. So when I met him…a very attractive, wealthy man who talked to me about God and encouraged and pushed me to reach my goals. I couldn’t leave him. He was everything I wanted. We dated exclusively before he went back to his ex girlfriend (he wasn’t over her yet which I knew). So they got back together but he hasn’t stopped seeing me either. He said he’s finding it difficult to let me go even though he finally got her back. I never think about her. I wish I could pretend to be that good person who felt bad about this but I don’t. He’s who I love and I think we are a better fit. And even having parts of him makes me happy

    If you knew him, you’d know that he’s an above average man. He runs a very successful law firm, he co-chairs a foundation to give scholarships to poor children, he also mentors them, he is God fearing and kind and has helped me in so many ways. If he doesn’t want to let me go, why would I leave a man like him if he still wants me in his life? Oh that’s right….Because of some other woman he doesn’t even love enough to fully commit to or marry? No way! She’s not enough of a reason to make me leave him alone. If she were his wife and they had children, I would definitely stop seeing him but she’s a girlfriend that he breaks up with all the time and he’s barely able to commit to. That’s not a real barrier.

    But I know this isn’t sustainable. I know this can’t go on forever. The second I meet a good man who can give me all of himself, I’ll drop him. And he’ll be pissed that I’m ending things between us. He constantly asks me about other men and if I met someone else. He’s repulsed at the idea of it. But until I meet someone, I’m happy having him in my life…even if it’s part time. I know this is not everyone’s idea of what is right but it feels right to me. Go ahead, rip me apart. But these are my shoes that I’m walking in and if they feel comfortable to me, I’ll keep walking in them until they don’t.

  • Tamara Dotson
    December 2, 2016

    This was great thank you

  • jullie
    November 17, 2016

    i married him not knowing he had a side chick and a side chick has a baby now. she has start calling me names. they broke up the minute i found out and now she is out to get me as she says. Hubby wants us to meet as to resolve how we going to support the baby. please help deal with this… i dont know what to do.

  • India Lee
    October 23, 2016

    Awesome article! It has so much value! Thank you for writing it! 💟 I pray God get me through these rough times with mercy and grace. Lord teach your princess that is reading (And writing😉) this to value herself 😘

  • patricia
    September 17, 2016

    Thank you!!! This really helps me realize to let go of crap and let god

  • Odette
    September 6, 2016

    I stumbled on this article in search of tips on how to go from side chick to ‘main chick ‘kama lol! but God works in misteriouse ways…now i read this artile and there is this dope song in the background that made me realize that i am more then a side chick n being someone’s wife will never truely define me ..i am beautiful smart and blessed and so are u our own men wil find us, until then.. in God i trust..my fav part is when Brit wrote ‘dont get caught up in being a side chick that you wll mis the opportnity to be a wife’

  • nokubonga mkiswa
    July 25, 2016

    reading your article has moved me am really touch, thank you ,am a side chick and it hurts

  • Ashley
    June 19, 2016

    I really enjoyed your article it is helping ME Value and love myself again. Thank you

  • Delicia
    April 27, 2016

    I used to be the side chick, but I now know my self worth as a child of GOD, and as a women. I love what you have written Britt, may GOD bless you to up lift women.

  • Delicia
    April 27, 2016

    I used to be the side chick, but I now know my self worth as a child of GOD and as a women. I love what you have written Britt, may GOD bless you to up lift women

  • Delicia
    April 27, 2016

    I used to be the side chick, but I now know my self worth as achild of GOD and as a women. I love what you have written Britt, may GOD bless you

  • Delicia
    April 27, 2016

    I used to be the side chick, but I now know my self worth as child of GOD and as a women. I love what you have written Britt, may GOD bless you

  • akisha John
    January 28, 2016

    i thank you sooo much for that article…i cried reading it because every word you spoke was for me.. praise God, i have to forgive myself 🙁

    • vonnie
      June 20, 2016

      I cried the entire time. I keep telling myself I’m not the side chick…but deep down I know I am.. I keep going back for more.. Answering phone calls and text.. We work together and see each other daily. Only go out during the week.. Only get phone calls on the way home..or before 7 or after midnight. My feelings are in this so deep. What to do. What to do. I’m recently divorced and feel the need to have someone around. I want more.. I can’t even hug another guy much less speak to another guy..

  • Melat
    November 20, 2015

    Thank you so much! You are beautiful

  • Tiwa
    June 13, 2015

    Awesome

  • tatianna
    August 13, 2014

    Love it wow I couldn’t have said it better

  • Jayleesa
    July 29, 2014

    Knowing your self worth .. & making the choice to change.
    I love this one.

  • Theresa Harper
    July 11, 2014

    Excellent advice!

  • Tierra
    June 17, 2014

    This is soooo true girl praise God that a young woman is taking the initiative to lead our misguided generation of women (young & old)!!! Also, love that you kept it informative but you still threw in that Brittanneé humor & wit!!!

  • Rashad Griffin
    June 16, 2014

    Nicely written Britt!

  • Naomi Hunt
    June 16, 2014

    Love It! Now I know, that I was a Side Chic. No more, and I don’t even want a ring from him.

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